A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Randomize
