is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
