I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
