The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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