If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
