I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
