he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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