I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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