I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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