you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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