Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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