So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
