He kissed a someone with a penis
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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