last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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