i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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