i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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