Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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