You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
