wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
