Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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