I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
