My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
