I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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