My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
