I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
We just shotgunned beers for America
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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