Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
