I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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