i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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