as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
