I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
