he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
