Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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