i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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