Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
