i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
