when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I looked at my own cervix.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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