On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
