I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
