if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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