I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
