Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
