Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
