I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
