onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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