i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
