thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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