i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
