so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
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