mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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