I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
