True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
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