my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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