i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you have to choose: penises or morals?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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