Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
