thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
