I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
